I remember thinking, this isn’t true, there is no Santa Claus! This is all made up. I decided its ok though because we get presents on Christmas.
Jesus was born in Bethlehem and is both God and man. He provided our salvation. He is God in the flesh. This I weighed in my mind not sure if this was like Santa Clause, Just a story and not real?
Then there is this thing with my body? My being was being misrepresented somehow I didn’t know how. I was convinced that I was put here as an experiment and was being watched somehow from above to see what I would do? My parents assured me this wasn’t true. (now I know it is true)
all this was at a very young age. I hardly understood anything in life yet. Later in Church after being presented with the gospel both at home and church for my entire life (I was maybe 5 or 6 years old) I lost my doubts about Christ and I knew this is the truth. There were a lot of questions in my mind still. My parents were unhappy with the church we were in because although they presented the gospel every sunday morning there was no teaching of the whole Bible so we could grow. We went to several churches for a while but ended up in a Bible study group that met in homes.
It wasn’t long before the subject of gay or trans came up and of course this was condemned. Doubts came up in my mind again as to weather this is really real of just made up religion. I knew though in my heart that Jesus was real and He loves everyone. I studied harder. By the time I finished high school I had a huge notebook full of notes along with other reference materials and several Bibles with notations and highlighting throughout. Our family were fundamentalists and we studied strict doctrines. There was no room for gray areas.
When I graduated from Jr College I married my best friend, a woman who I was convinced I should marry and this would take my feelings of being a woman myself, away.
In the 90’s when the internet came into being all of a sudden I learned there were other people in the world similar to me! This turned my life upside down. I had lived my whole life in a box with the nails driven in from the inside. I had to somehow discover who I am and become me! Then I had a very real experience with God who communicated to me that I needed to become who I am and be open about it so everyone adjusts to the real me. He also said He was going to take my airplane away. He assured me I would be ok. I was stunned by this message. I pooh-poohed the whole thing in my mind. I thanked God though, for the airplane and for keeping me safe. The airplane was where I spent all my effort, my mind and my spare time. It was my escape from the reality I couldn’t face. That same day I crash landed the airplane in the desert and it was destroyed. I walked away unharmed.
There were a lot of changes in my life. I know God was there through It all. Now I look back and see that clearly. At the time however my mind was in doubt about it all. I had a completely different set of friends and a partner who all tried there best to convince me there is no God. I became agnostic and hid my belief. My brain and my soul were in conflict. I became obsessed with riding motorcycles. My partner passed away from complications of AIDS. Then I had another real experiance with God. He let me know I was going to be injured at the motorcycle outing I was going to, in Death Valley, on the weekend and I would need medical attention at a facility. He assured I would come through ok in the end. I poh poohed the message in my mind but at the same time thanked God that I would end up ok in the end. I wonder now if God would have answered questions if I had asked. Like what do you want me to do? but I just pushed it all aside.
After being laid up for about 8 months my mom upset me by asking me, ‘don’t you think maybe God is trying to tell you something?’. It got me reading. I discovered a wealth of information. I found books on near death experiences. After reading 3 or 4 books on this I decided to get back onto reading the Bible. Mom had suggested that i read the gosples again, first. By the time I had finished John my faith was back. I had also read several studies on line about eunuchs and on being LGBT and Christian, similar to the Bible studies we do every year at church. I was so excited! Sydney wasn’t so sure about me becoming a Jesus freak, but look at us now!